I was sitting at the kitchen table making love beads when the labor pains began – not hours apart – as the Doctor had told me – but minutes apart. My thoughts flashed back to Madrid where I had my first son and I immediately ran to the telephone and told Em the pains were 5 minutes apart. OMG! I thought, “I should’ve remained a virgin!” She said in a very calm tone, ” Darlin, not to worry – God will take care of you. There is no time for me to drive there or even call an ambulance. You must drive yourself! You can do this. God will take care of everything.”
When she said those words, “you’ll have to drive yourself, ” I came close to having a cardiac arrest. And yes, I did think, “OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin!” However, I quickly overcame this moment of panic, grabbed my packed bag by the door and shoved both kids into the car. I’m sure I had no more than $2 worth of gas – just enough to get me to the hospital. The labor pains were now three minutes apart and it was getting quite dark as we drove on that desolate country road passing corn field after corn field. I thought, “Well, if the baby Jesus was born in a barn and he turned out OK, then this kid might just be born in a corn field and turn out just fine!” It might be worth noting that Willie kept up his mantra for thirty minutes, ‘I WANT M & M’s!” 
While all of this was going on in my head Willie kept rocking back and forth in the back seat repeating non stop, “I WANT M & M’s, I WANT M & M’s.” The pains were really coming fast but I put petal to the metal and – miracle of all miracles, we made it just in the nick of time. I drove that Chevy right up and almost into the entrance glass doors of JFK Hospital. I grabbed the kids by their shirts – the one still screaming, “I WANT M & M’s!”, threw my car keys at the front desk and said, ” I’m having a baby! You park the car if there’s enough gas left in it!” They briskly wheeled me into emergency where both nurses and doctors were in a state of shock that I had driven such a distance while I was fully dilated. Any woman who has had a baby understands what this means. When you are fully dilated, it means the baby’s head is in place and ready to come out. At that juncture that kid does not care where you are much less what you’re doing. It only knows…”Hey, I’m geting out of here!”
The nurse called Em and she reassured the nurse that she was but a couple of minutes away and to tell Willie she had M & M’s for him. The minute I was rolled onto the operating table, the water bag broke and the baby was born five minutes later. It was a frank breach delivery, which means that it’s head was up and fists up and his feet came out first…the opposite of a normal delivery. All of this might have had serious implications had I not firmly believed Em when she said, “Don’t worry darlin, God will take care of you.” I remembered all too vividly having my first child in Madrid with severe labor pains and nothing to ease that agony. This was a natural childbirth and he came out like a little warrior with his fists in the air and kicking. Em was siting right outside the operating room. The moment she heard that first cry – she walked in and her beautiful blue eyes were the first he saw in this mortal world. 
I had paid for my room in advance so I was shocked to find myself in a bed in a busy hallway. But that’s life – the rooms were packed to overflowing. However, I was so happy to see this little rascal – after all we had been through together – that I could care less. He was a healthy baby, I was out of a hellish life and Willie had his M & Ms. Within minutes, Em was standing beside my bed with a freshly baked stuffed apple and sandwiches made with her own special recipe. Above all, she was there. Looking back on it all, I realize that those were the moments when my path to God Realization began in earnest. Em was my dearest and best friend for over 30 years. In her sixties, she rented a chicken coop for $20 a month and from those humble origins, she created a successful corporation…herself the CEO. But to me – she was always teacher, friend and above all – mystic mother. 
Em passed away at the young age of 93. A day never passes that I do not think of her. I owe my life to that wonderful friend.
Attila Honey
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Viagra sales would go down if men had child labor pains. Ask any woman who’se ever given birth – what labor pains feel like – and you’ll get a mouth full. In today’s society a common phrase used is, “We’re having a baby.” That expression almost makes my hair take on a life of it’s own because that man isn’t having a 6 – 9 lb watermelon coming out of a uterus he doesn’t have. I mean, Come on get real! NO! WE’RE NOT HAVING A BABY, I AM!!!!! And you sure aren’t having these labor pains, the woman is. I was so pissed at my ex-husband, “Darth Vadar, I can’t keep my pants up” that I literally screamed at him every time he said, “Now calm down, calm down – it’s ok, it’ll be alright!” He was in Spain making a movie and I had gone with him to have our first child – so thank God, the Spanish nuns didn’t understand English. I said, “Don’ t you ever say that to me again or so help me God, I’ll shoot you!” Actually, I said that and a lot worse. Women will understand these things. That was my mood when I had my first child.
Yes! I can almost guarantee you that Viagra sales would go down if men had child labor pains. For me those pains were like a razorblade going up and down my spine – and the last thing any womans needs is 1) a husband passing out like New York Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passing out during the birth of his first daughter. His wife said, “The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor.” 
So there I lay having the worst pain I’d ever experienced and looking like a blimp on a PMS trip, when I heard my ex husband say, ” Well, she’s just a little out of sorts – we’re having a baby you know!” Well, that’s when I really lost it. I said, ” Will you get the hell out of here – who are you anyway outside of some kind of over sexed devil that caused me to have all this suffering. Just let me hear you say one more time ‘we’re having a baby’ again’ and I’ll shoot you myself. Matter of fact, get that damn doctor in here and I’m going to have him put a hot rod up your ding dong and then maybe you’ll understand what women go through!” Well, after all was said and done – the first time I looked down – on what looked much like a baby squirrel – still, I thought it was just the most beautiful little creature I ever saw – and all that pain was forgotten. In many ways, there is a correlation between what women go through in childbirth and government. We, the people of the United States are suffering because of the greed, mismanagement and arrogance of government – yet they say things like, “We’ll all have to work together and make sacrifices.” Who do you people think you’re talking to? We didn’t create this nightmare – you did! You’ll have the best health care plan that money can buy – and we’ll be lucky if baby aspirin is covered.”
