I was sitting at the kitchen table making love beads when the labor pains began – not hours apart – as the Doctor had told me – but minutes apart. My thoughts flashed back to Madrid where I had my first son and I immediately ran to the telephone and told Em the pains were 5 minutes apart. OMG! I thought, “I should’ve remained a virgin!” She said in a very calm tone, ” Darlin, not to worry – God will take care of you. There is no time for me to drive there or even call an ambulance. You must drive yourself! You can do this. God will take care of everything.”
When she said those words, “you’ll have to drive yourself, ” I came close to having a cardiac arrest. And yes, I did think, “OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin!” However, I quickly overcame this moment of panic, grabbed my packed bag by the door and shoved both kids into the car. I’m sure I had no more than $2 worth of gas – just enough to get me to the hospital. The labor pains were now three minutes apart and it was getting quite dark as we drove on that desolate country road passing corn field after corn field. I thought, “Well, if the baby Jesus was born in a barn and he turned out OK, then this kid might just be born in a corn field and turn out just fine!” It might be worth noting that Willie kept up his mantra for thirty minutes, ‘I WANT M & M’s!” 
While all of this was going on in my head Willie kept rocking back and forth in the back seat repeating non stop, “I WANT M & M’s, I WANT M & M’s.” The pains were really coming fast but I put petal to the metal and – miracle of all miracles, we made it just in the nick of time. I drove that Chevy right up and almost into the entrance glass doors of JFK Hospital. I grabbed the kids by their shirts – the one still screaming, “I WANT M & M’s!”, threw my car keys at the front desk and said, ” I’m having a baby! You park the car if there’s enough gas left in it!” They briskly wheeled me into emergency where both nurses and doctors were in a state of shock that I had driven such a distance while I was fully dilated. Any woman who has had a baby understands what this means. When you are fully dilated, it means the baby’s head is in place and ready to come out. At that juncture that kid does not care where you are much less what you’re doing. It only knows…”Hey, I’m geting out of here!”
The nurse called Em and she reassured the nurse that she was but a couple of minutes away and to tell Willie she had M & M’s for him. The minute I was rolled onto the operating table, the water bag broke and the baby was born five minutes later. It was a frank breach delivery, which means that it’s head was up and fists up and his feet came out first…the opposite of a normal delivery. All of this might have had serious implications had I not firmly believed Em when she said, “Don’t worry darlin, God will take care of you.” I remembered all too vividly having my first child in Madrid with severe labor pains and nothing to ease that agony. This was a natural childbirth and he came out like a little warrior with his fists in the air and kicking. Em was siting right outside the operating room. The moment she heard that first cry – she walked in and her beautiful blue eyes were the first he saw in this mortal world. 
I had paid for my room in advance so I was shocked to find myself in a bed in a busy hallway. But that’s life – the rooms were packed to overflowing. However, I was so happy to see this little rascal – after all we had been through together – that I could care less. He was a healthy baby, I was out of a hellish life and Willie had his M & Ms. Within minutes, Em was standing beside my bed with a freshly baked stuffed apple and sandwiches made with her own special recipe. Above all, she was there. Looking back on it all, I realize that those were the moments when my path to God Realization began in earnest. Em was my dearest and best friend for over 30 years. In her sixties, she rented a chicken coop for $20 a month and from those humble origins, she created a successful corporation…herself the CEO. But to me – she was always teacher, friend and above all – mystic mother. 
Em passed away at the young age of 93. A day never passes that I do not think of her. I owe my life to that wonderful friend.
Attila Honey
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As I said my goodbyes to L.A., I thought OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin. Better still, I could have lived out my life in a convent for nuns who practiced silence – that is, if they accepted non Catholics who could never shut up. 
Honestly, we looked like something out of a John Steinbeck novel with the trunk that my ex, the sperm donor, had strapped with rope on top of my Chevy. That trunk took on a life of it’s own and had the consistency of a metronome as every 500 miles or so the truck would fly off the top of the car – scattering our belongings all over the desert.
Of course Willie and Sammy loved the chance to get out of the car and play. Whenever one of them found my underwear in the sand – they’d put my bra and panties on over their clothes and hop about. Yep! That was a big hit with passers by. The heat was unbearable in the Mojave and our car had no air conditioning. This was a six day journey so you can use your imagination here. It’s worth noting that I left everything of material value behind, i.e., an impressive art and music collection, object d’art collected over the years and all my “night out on the town clothes” (like they would’ve come in handy serving paper routes and cleaning laundromats.) Em had said, “Honey, just leave all those memories behind as you are beginning a new life.” In all the many years that followed, Em never made a bad suggestion. I am a winner in heart and spirit today because of her friendship and sage advice.
The heat became so excruciating that we slept in motels during the day and drove at night. Em had raised 9 kids and always saw to it that we’d stop along the way and get ice cream for the kids. However it was so hot that when Sammy ran up to an outside stand at a service station to get ice cream cones for he and Willie, they melted before he got back to the car. We finally arrived on eastern soil and my physical condition had gone from bad to worse. But for the grace of God, I would surely have had a miscarriage during that long six day journey across country. But Em stuck by me like glue. Once we arrived, she took me to a doctor who was alarmed at how thin I was carrying a 7 month baby and their were serious complications. Although Em had little money, her demeanor was one of such elegance that everyone she encountered assumed that she was a millionaire. She would reply, “Well yes, I am a millionaire – mainly air.” So, true to form, Em set her sites on a lovely first floor, 2 bedroom apartment that had an environmental playground, duck pond and plush green grass that had a country setting. She actually convinced the manager into giving me the apartment with only a payment of the first month’s rent – disregarding the security deposit and the last month’s rent. The manager seemed blind to the fact that I was pregnant with no mention of my ex husband, the sperm donor. Em also insisted that I pay my hospital bill in advance as well as purchase beds for our new apartment – leaving me with very little money. So, I now had a new apartment, two beds and that was it.
The next day, Em drove up in her old – albeit sparkling white 67 Pontiac. I can see it now. She had an American flag attached to the outside antenna. Her car was so loaded with packages that it took all of us to carry in a small folding table and 4 chairs for the kitchen area, curtains, tablecloths, dishes, sheets, towels, bed spreads, a captain’s table lamp for the kid’s room and too many other household necessities to mention….including groceries. She even persuaded a mutual friend to give me his newly purchased couch and chair for our living room by discoursing on the tackiness of having furniture the same color as your carpet. Ha!
Em got me a much needed job working at home – making love beads for a supplier who sold them in Philly. It’s amazing to me how God taught me appreciation by taking away all those things I took so for granted. I was paid 3 cents for each necklace. Some weeks I made as much as $100 which looked like a fortune when you have nothing. All moms know that a kid’s stomach is a bottomless pit. As I began to relax a little, I also began to balloon – to the point where I looked like I was about to give birth to an elephant. Em also assured me that I was not to worry about getting to JFK Hospital -which was thirty minutes away. She said, “When the pains are several hours apart – just call me and I’ll come pick you up and drive you to the hospital – not to worry.”
OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin…or so I thought at the time. My friend ‘Lovie’ was right about my ex…who shall here-to-fore be referred to as my ex, the sperm donor. The great satirical writer, Will Rogers, used to say, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” Well that pretty much sums up the life and times of my ex, the sperm donor – who never met a woman he didn’t want to sleep with. At this juncture – I was taking few jobs and had put my career on hold as I was pregnant. This was not a big sacrifice as I never wanted my boys to live through the dysfunctional childhood I had. And surely to God, I didn’t want them to be latch key kids or grow up in a day care center.
I came home late one night from working overtime on a television show. The house looked like a tornado had passed through, the kids were eating Wheaties out of the box, one running through the house naked with a batman cape yelling, “I’m going to fly out the window.” If that wasn’t enough, he had tied all the dirty laundry together to make one long knotted cord that he wanted to hang from a tree and swing on. Who wasn’t minding the store? My ex, the sperm donor of course – oblivious to all that was going on as he was watching a friend from the Actor’s Studio on television. I quickly put it in high, made dinner, washed and ironed Sammy’s uniform for the next day, did a quick tidy-up of the house, gave the kids their bath and tucked them into bed. Those were the times when I thought, OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin!
I still had ten pages of new dialogue to memorize for the next day’s shoot, get 5 hours of sleep and be at the studio at 6am in makeup. That was the definitive moment when I realized that I would either be a full time mother or check myself into the nearest loony bin. It seemed as though I had segued from being free as a bird with a successful career both in Manhattan and in Hollywood to a stay at home mom…with a kid hanging on every body part. I would never have made it through this period of my life were it not for Em. How we met is another story. But meeting her changed not only my life but my perspectives as well. Her friendship filled the void I had carried with me since childbirth. I was very young when first introduced to her. She seemed to me like an elderly grandmother with snow white hair and blue eyes like laser beams; a unique combination of folksy wit, philosopher, entrepreneur, straw boss, teacher and, to me – mystic mother.
She was well aware of my circumstances – that I was seven months pregnant straddled with a husband who was in love with someone else and packing up to leave us. She asked if I wanted to drive back with her to the east coast. I quickly said yes – and Em got busy arranging this small caravan which included two other people driving in one car with Em and a young woman my age driving with me. The kids sat in the back seat of my Chevy kicking our front seat with their feet for the long six day drive. Oh, my ex, the sperm donor had assured me that the car was thoroughly checked out. I found out too late that this was not the case as the speedometer didn’t work, there was no air conditioning, the radiator had to be replaced as well as two tires along the way. Another interesting feature was that my ex, the sperm donor, had tied our luggage with rope to the top of the car since rope was more cost effective than a luggage rack. Another handy helper was a little notebook he gave me just in case I got in an accident – I could just dip my hand into the glove compartment and write down all the necessary details. He kept our new Jaguar. That trek across the Mojave Desert will have to wait for the next blog. Needles to say, every 10 miles of that journey – I thought, ” OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin!
Someone asked me this question – What are the 5 hardest words to hear – outside of death or illness. I thought for a moment and said, “I was very young and seven months pregnant with our third child – when my ex husband looked at me and said, “I don’t love you anymore.” At the time, the world as I’d known it was over…and the birth of a new one had just begun. In retrospect – now I think to myself “better her than me” or better still – my husband “Lard Arse the thoughtful” saying, “Honey, I bought you a stepladder.” Yep! Those would be the 5 hardest words to hear now. Matter of fact – those are “sleep on the couch tonight honey!” words.