Attila The Honey

Viagra sales would go down if men had child labor pains. Ask any woman who’se ever given birth – what labor pains feel like – and you’ll get a mouth full. In today’s society a common phrase used is, “We’re having a baby.” That expression almost makes my hair take on a life of it’s own because  that man isn’t having a 6 – 9 lb watermelon coming out of a uterus he doesn’t have. I mean, Come on get real! NO! WE’RE NOT HAVING A BABY, I AM!!!!! And you sure aren’t having these labor pains, the woman is. I was so pissed at my ex-husband, “Darth Vadar, I can’t keep my pants up” that I literally screamed at him every time he said, “Now calm down, calm down – it’s ok, it’ll be alright!” He was in Spain making a movie and I had gone with him to have our first child – so thank God, the Spanish nuns didn’t understand English. I said, “Don’ t you ever say that to me again or so help me God, I’ll shoot you!” Actually, I said that and a lot worse. Women will understand these things. That was my mood when I had my first child.Yes! I can almost guarantee you that Viagra sales would go down if men had child labor pains. For me those pains were like a razorblade going up and down my spine – and the last thing any womans needs  is 1) a husband passing out  like New York Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passing out during the birth of his first daughter. His wife said, “The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor.” www.bostonherald.com/sports/baseball/other_mlb/view.bg?articleid=1092364&srvc=redsox&position=8

We were having dinner and I immediately started having labor pains 5 minutes apart. I look at him and said, “ Either get me to that Clinic now or I’m going to have this kid in the elvator.” We raced through the streets of Madrid and upon arrival, the doors where locked. By this time, the back pain was unreal. Honestly, I think it’s a hormonal thing because I turned into some frightening creature that scared even him. I said, “Throw a brick through the damn window unless you want me to have this baby on the step!” At that moment the Nun came to the door and acted as if it was much ado about nothing. In Spain, women have their babies at home – sometimes with a midwife but they aren’t given drugs or pampered like American women are – or at least that’s how it was then. And last but not least of all horrors would be having my legs up in stirrups with a video camera filming the entire ordeal. Oh no thank you!

So there I lay having the worst pain I’d ever experienced and looking like a blimp on a PMS trip, when I heard my ex husband say, ” Well, she’s just a little out of sorts – we’re having a baby you know!” Well, that’s when I really lost it. I said, ” Will you get the hell out of here – who are you anyway outside of some kind of  over sexed devil that caused me to have all this suffering. Just let me hear you say one more time ‘we’re having a baby’ again’ and  I’ll shoot you myself. Matter of fact, get that damn doctor in here and I’m going to have him put a hot rod up your ding dong and then maybe you’ll understand what women go through!” Well, after all was said and done – the first time I looked down – on what looked much like a baby squirrel – still, I thought  it was just the most beautiful little creature I ever saw – and all that pain was forgotten. In many ways, there is a correlation between what women go through in childbirth and government. We, the people of the United States are suffering because of the greed, mismanagement and arrogance of government – yet they say things like, “We’ll all have to work together and make sacrifices.” Who do you people think you’re talking to? We didn’t create this nightmare – you did! You’ll have the best health care plan that money can buy – and we’ll be lucky if baby aspirin is covered.”

ps: Yes, I know there are wonderful supportive dads out there – this is just my perspective – so don’t write me and tell me how you and your wife enjoy watching your video of her childbirth once a month because well….I’m real happy for you but  personally, I’d rather have my hooters shot out of a cannon than be filmed in that position.

Attila Honey

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Election day – where are the real heroes? I live in a small rural community where we go to the local fire hall to cast our vote.  This evening as I walked in, I noticed for the first time the many uniforms and hats on each side -perhaps twenty to a side. I asked the woman in charge, ” Are all these firefighters volunteers?” She answered “Yes – each and everyone of them and one is my son.” I asked myself how many times do I ever give these brave individuals a thought – much less hold them in my prayers. What would we do without them? We neither know their names nor how many times they’ve been wounded – much less killed in fires trying to save lives. They ask for no reward – except the reward of service. It makes me ashamed of how much I take for granted – that we all, as Americans take so much for granted.

So on this election day, I don’t have to ask who is the real hero. They are our fathers, sons, brothers – and yes, mothers and daughters that risk their lives as fire fighters.

If you are casting your vote in a fire hall – give some thought to the idea that any politician that truly wants to serve his country – should work as a volunteer firefighter for 6 months before entering the 2 1/2 year endless and excessive spin of campaigning . Perhaps then, true service would give birth and replace self service in the hearts of politicians – particularly those wanting to serve in the highest office in the land – President of the United States of America.

God Bless all those unknown heroes known as firefighters.

Attila

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