Attila The Honey

What would this world be like without men? hummmmmmmmm I say there would be no crime and lots of fat and happy women. So I’m thinking that a real man would be my best friend and he’d never stand me up (like that never happens) he’d reassure me when I feel insecure and comfort me after I’ve had a bad hair day…you see where I’m going with this? There would be no fuss if my butt’s getting a little on the heavy side. That man would say more to love!  He’d also insist that I take a little beauty rest in the afternoon instead of starting dinner.                                                                                                         He would pick me up and never let me down; help me to live without fear and never look back; express my deepest emotions and he’d understand – not in a Stuart Smalley kind of way but more in a Richard Gere Tibet kind of way; he’d make me feel that even without makeup, I’d still be his most beautiful girl in his world. I think women dress for women anyway – with the exception of the Kardashians …so there would be no male testosterone to shoot up liquor stores or kill anyone because we’d be happy in our own skin except – like I said, the Kardashians. So what do you think? A world without men? No crime and lots of fat & happy women!

No wait! sorry…I’m thinking of  1/2 case Klondike Bars.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RTR also has a great chat room and videos. Check it out

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This is the new house rule: DINNER’s READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF!

ok – so I took a little snooze while making dinner – well,  line me up against a wall and shoot me. OK!!!!! It’s true a woman’s work is never done and there are times when I really feel like eating grass ( I said eating it not smoking it) rather than going in the kitchen and cooking. It takes a good two hours to prepare a meal for a man who just may or may not like what you’ve burned your breasts over the stove making for him (that is if you have any left!)                                                       

And what is it about men who have to have their meal right on the button lest their thing a mu jig might fall off!  And another thing – how much food can they push in their mouth!  And isn’t it time to try fasting for two months or so?                                                   I could really go for a Klondike bar xxxxxxxxxoooooooo, 3 Honey bunsxxx000 and a coke and feel so loved.
And please, don’t tell me there aren’t women out there who don’t understand how I feel.  Oh, I forgot – I also scrubbed the damn floor, vacuumed, did three loads of laundry, picked up the dry cleaning and three other little ‘Honey d-o ‘ s and was so tired that I just passed out off while writing this blog. I mean if dinner is a little late, is the world going to come to an end? Men have no idea of how hard we work to please their stomachs in general (but not always in particular.)  Another thing – I bathed the dog and washed all the windows and helped a neighbor get her parakeet out of a tree. So sue me! I’m not freaking MARTHA STEWART!!!! So that’s my new mantra, Dinner’s ready when the smoke alarm goes off!

I’m feeling much better now and I do hope you have a good day.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est (check their schedule page for other times our radio show is airing – almost every day.

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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I HATE MY STOMACH!  OK? I’m like what’s happening? What does it matter that I’m a tad over the hill – o.k. more than a tad but I’m young at heart and therein lies the problem. It’s like my body has become my worst enemy -  So here is how this whole hemorrhage heart attack started last night. I went in to take a bath – threw in a little bath bubbles and bath oil, lit a candle and just wanted to enjoy doing nothing. You’d think candle light would have disguised the horror of what I saw but oh noooooooooooooooo!  I looked down at my 117 lb carcass and there was my stomach looking much like bowling ball – giving me the finger and saying, “Live with it!  I HATE MY STOMACH, I HATE MY STOMACH, I HATE MY STOMACH!                                                                                   When you are thin and  discover (like how was this kept from me?) that you are growing some alien type watermelon in your body – naturally you freak out a little…ok  so I freaked out a lot. Then I bumped my head on the stupid glass shower door trying to get out of the tub. I quickly snuffed out the damn candle and turned on the really bright mirror lights that most women hate at my age. Why? Because those lights tell all.  “My God my face looks like a Texas back road map!” When did this happen? Actually, I don’t mind wrinkles so much because they are more like laugh lines and I’ve earned them all. So, what the hell – it’s not like someone sprayed me with formaldehyde.  But I HATE MY STOMACH!

So my husband knocks on the door and asks what’s wrong and says, “Honey, you always look beautiful to me!” Well, that had the same effect on me  as if I was dying  and him saying, “Honey I would never cheat on you!” Anyway, he has a middle that could use some serious ab control. You know, people think that hooters are what makes a woman’s figure but they aren’t – not that I’ve ever been that endowed. But I still HATE MY STOMACH!I mean you could have hooters the size of raisinets and with a good uplift bra and a full roll of toilet paper stuffed in them, whose to know…see where I’m going with this? But if you have a slender bod and a big stomach – you look like hell. So between my new wrinkles and my living alien within, I think I’ll just paint up like Lady GaGa coocoo brains and give up bathing. Or…hey I just had a great idea. Why don’t I just cut a hole in the middle of all my clothes and use my stomach for ad space or I could start wearing fashionable looking burkas. (you might think I’m wrong but I don’t think soooooooooooo) I HATE MY STOMACH!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Barium plus pasta don’t mix! Get me to a port-o-pot! I’m like what the hell is going on in my nether region. Well, for one thing this picture pretty much describes how I felt yesterday when I had to have a Cat Scan. The night before, I’d eaten ‘to die for spaghetti’ made by my husband, “Lard Arse the Gourmet Cook.” Then I fasted until 5 am when I had to take a huge bottle of barium…then another at 7. Oh, did I mention that I couldn’t find the address of the Imaging place which was a distance from where I live which is in the sticks. Anyway, my appointment was at 8am and I left the house at 6:30. Just as I was leaving, my nether regions went into high with all the pasta I’d eaten the night before mixed with barium – it was a nether region blast out. OMG! I thought, how am I ever going to make it there with all this going on. I’m driving my 1995 Ford pickup and praying to God I pass a McDonald’s along the way – ‘just in case’                                                                                       OMG! barium plus pasta don’t mix! Get me to a port-o-pot quickly! I’m close to my destination but now I can’t find the address. I called and got some 17 year old girl with no compassion whatsoever for my condition. I said, “JUST TELL ME WHERE THE HELL YOU’RE LOCATED!” In this ‘American Idol’ voice she says, ‘Well, you don’t have to yell!” I say, ” Look – either get me to the bathroom fast or I’m going to vomit on your cleavage!” I had so much barium in me that it’s starting wars down below! Well, finally I got there and the first thing this girl wants is for me to fill out a 4 page form.  She was aghast when briskly passed her and kickd open the door to the only bathroom ‘not in use’ which was the men’s room. Relief at last. Then I collected myself, went back and apologized for my rather irrational behavior and filled out the form. They called me in right away for the Cat Scan -whereby the technician made me drink 1/2 gallon of water. I’m thinking like OMG! Will this ever end? She had one of those sing song voices and said, “Do you mind if I shoot you up with iodine?” Well why should I mind? Now I’ve got barium, pasta, 1/2 gallon of water and iodine all waiting for one big blast off. Afterward, I said, ” Where are your facilities?” She said that they were all being used so I said – “Where’s the men’s room?” and off I went! What a day. I made three stops before I arrived home. Word to the wise: Barium plus pasta don’t mix! Get m to a port-o-pot! (this could happen to you too and it’s not a pretty site!)

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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The New York Times Fashion section looks like a Good Will close out sale. I’m like totally bummed out every time I look at New Yorkers (I am one) taking their daily strolls and looking much like a cross between Helen Thomas and a raccoon.For God’s sake, what has happened to everyday women in New York (according to The New York Times.) I think they’ve been influenced too much by this old rag because I could do better shopping at the Dollar Store. I think Joseph Epstein said it best in his great article in The Weekly Spectator .”The Gray Lady is far from the grand dame she once was. For years now she has been going heavy on the rouge, lipstick, and eyeliner, using a push-up bra, and gadding about in stiletto heels. She’s become a bit- of a slut – perhaps more than a bit – of a slut, whoring after youth through pretending to be with-it.” That is why I say that The New York Times fashion section looks like a Good Will close out sale.  What can I say – I look at the New York Times fashion page and out of 10 issues, there may be one classy looking broad in the whole lot. The rest look like a traveling band of gypsies or  women duded up from a  Good Will close out sale.  O give me a break! This moth filled newspaper is way past it’s time. The fashion page makes  all women look like freaks. I’ve studied the Constitution so much that I need a break – and a good shopping spree does that for me – that or a good horseback ride. When the going gets tough – the tough go shopping!

I usually look like I’m riding in a rodeo or super classy – no in between….but hey women – find your own style and run with it.  If you have hips like a battle ship – don’t wear skirts with layered ruffles and polka dots. First thing to do: Dump the New York Times …that is if you are interested in looking sharp. Actually, every woman can be beautiful and elegant in her own way. As for myself, got my boots, got my cowboy hat, got on my under $40 Levis and I’m going for a ride….not thinking anymore that the New York fashion section looks like a Good Will close out!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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