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Omg! I should have remained a virgin – Part 3

January 20th, 2010 AttilaTheHoney Posted in FrogtownSoundCards.com, Giving birth, God will take care of you, I'm having a baby, JFK Hospital, M & Ms, Madrid, The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour on WGGRN.COM, baby Jesus, comedy, doctors, frank breach delivery, having baby in a corn field, labor pains, natural childbirth, nurses, single mom drives herself to the hospital 1 Comment »

mom 100

I was sitting at the kitchen table making love beads when the labor pains began – not hours apart – as the Doctor had told me – but minutes apart. My thoughts flashed back to Madrid where I had my first son and I immediately ran to the telephone and told Em the pains were 5 minutes apart. OMG! I thought, “I should’ve remained a virgin!” She said in a very calm tone, ” Darlin, not to worry – God will take care of you. There is no time for me to drive there or even call an ambulance. You must drive yourself! You can do this. God will take care of everything.”animal go on without  me When she said those words, “you’ll have to drive yourself, ” I came close to having a cardiac arrest. And yes, I did think, “OMG! I should’ve remained a virgin!” However, I quickly overcame this moment of panic, grabbed my packed bag by the door and shoved both kids into the car. I’m sure I had no more than $2 worth of gas – just enough to get me to the hospital. The labor pains were now three minutes apart and it was getting quite dark as we drove on that desolate country road passing corn field after corn field. I thought, “Well, if the baby Jesus was born in a barn and he turned out OK, then this kid might just be born in a corn field and turn out just fine!” It might be worth noting that Willie kept up his mantra for thirty minutes, ‘I WANT M & M’s!” cornfieldWhile all of this was going on in my head Willie kept rocking back and forth in the back seat repeating non stop, “I WANT M & M’s, I WANT M & M’s.” The pains were really coming fast but I put petal to the metal and – miracle of all miracles, we made it just in the nick of time. I drove that Chevy right up and almost into the entrance glass doors of JFK Hospital. I grabbed the kids by their shirts – the one still screaming, “I WANT M & M’s!”, threw my car keys at the front desk and said, ” I’m having a baby! You park the car if there’s enough gas left in it!” They briskly wheeled me into emergency where both nurses and doctors were in a state of shock that I had driven such a distance while I was fully dilated. Any woman who has had a baby understands what this means. When you are fully dilated, it means the baby’s head is in place and ready to come out. At that juncture that kid does not care where you are much less what you’re doing. It only knows…”Hey, I’m geting out of here!”mother pregancy 3The nurse called Em and she reassured the nurse that she was but a couple of  minutes away and to tell Willie she had M & M’s for him. The minute I was rolled onto the operating table, the water bag broke and the baby was born five minutes later. It was a frank breach delivery, which means that it’s head was up and fists up and his feet came out first…the opposite of a normal delivery. All of this might have had serious implications had I not firmly believed Em when she said, “Don’t worry darlin, God will take care of you.” I remembered all too vividly having my first child in Madrid with severe labor pains and nothing to ease that agony. This was a natural childbirth and he came out like a little warrior with his fists in the air and kicking. Em was siting right outside the operating room. The moment she heard that first cry – she walked in and her beautiful blue eyes were the first he saw in this mortal world. baby I had paid for my room in advance so I was shocked to find myself in a bed in a busy hallway. But that’s life – the rooms were packed to overflowing. However, I was so happy to see this little rascal – after all we had been through together – that I could care less. He was a healthy baby, I was out of a hellish life and Willie had his M & Ms. Within minutes, Em was standing beside my bed with a freshly baked stuffed apple and sandwiches made with her own special recipe. Above all, she was there. Looking back on it all, I realize that those were the moments when my path to God Realization began in earnest. Em was my dearest and best friend for over 30 years. In her sixties, she rented a chicken coop for $20 a month and from those humble origins, she created a successful corporation…herself the CEO.  But to me – she was always teacher, friend and above all – mystic mother.                                              roseEm passed away at the young age of 93. A day never passes that I do not think of her. I owe my life to that wonderful friend.

Attila Honey

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Britney Spears should give birth to a twin aliens

July 13th, 2008 AttilaTheHoney Posted in 20 M Photo Op, Bad Hair Days, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, Brangelina babies, Britney Spears, Giving birth, dog turds, headless woman, juicy fruit gum, twin aliens No Comments »

The only thing that can knock the Brangelina twins out of the headlines is if Britney Spears gives birth to twin aliens. Have you ever wondered why some people grab the headlines and others just seem to drift along. I mean…really there are days when I put my hand into my pocket for that last stick of juicy fruit and instead pull out a dog turd. Why is that? Oh, I don’t know – truth is, there are millions of babies being born every minute but the net worth of the Brangelina twins is somewhere between 15 and 20 M. Maybe I should write Sharon Stone and ask her what kind of karma this is….you know both the dog turd part and the million dollar babies part. In the meantime my head wants to separate itself from my body and take a walk all by itself.

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