For God’s sake, stop itching yourself there! It is no easy matter being a young single mom raising three little boys who, by the way, are born with some strange built in habits. The one that used to send me into eternity was when we’d be in the store or out somewhere and suddenly – that little hand would go straight to that particular part of the body…are you with me here? Must I be graphic? OK…let’s call that area – “the private parts.” I’m not entirely sure why God didn’t attach a red blinking light to those “private parts” because they seem to take on a life of their own beginning at a young age…like birth!
There is nothing more embarrassing than seeing your kid scratch his” private parts” in public and think nothing of it. No matter how many times I’d say “For God’s sake, stop itching yourself there,” they just didn’t seem to get it. So I had to devise ways of outwitting that particular body part and actually threaten it – in order to make it behave. I have come to the conclusion that it all begins with changing their diapers. To be specific, I’m changing the diaper and I would get a full blast of “widdle” in my face. Yep! It just stood at attention right from the get go and that little stream of water hit me smack dab in the face! What could I do because a 2 month old baby is too young to be reprimanded. And even when my babies did that – I’d just wipe it off and smile. My point is this: That body part seems to take on a life of it’s own and it starts in infancy. If I had a nickel for every time I said, “For God’s sake, stop itching yourself there,” I’d be a millionaire today. Oh yes indeedy do, I would!
Time to make dinner – my husband, “Lard Arse the omniscient” is coming home from work and he likes to smell the aroma of dinner as he walks through the door and know in his heart that he can just plop down, turn on the news – and me, the little woman, will bring him his feast. Well, I must admit that I’m very old fashioned in that respect – I like spoiling him. But it did take me a good three days to get over him saying to me right before Christmas, “Hun, would you like me to get you a Robot vacuum cleaner?” I just glared at him and responded, “Well, I guess if I WAS A ROBOT, I WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT…BETTER STILL, GET ME ONE AND I’LL SLEEP WITH THAT!” Well, what to do? My solution is when the going gets tough – the tough go shopping! You women know what I mean, don’t you?
Attila Honey
Viagra sales would go down if men had child labor pains. Ask any woman who’se ever given birth – what labor pains feel like – and you’ll get a mouth full. In today’s society a common phrase used is, “We’re having a baby.” That expression almost makes my hair take on a life of it’s own because that man isn’t having a 6 – 9 lb watermelon coming out of a uterus he doesn’t have. I mean, Come on get real! NO! WE’RE NOT HAVING A BABY, I AM!!!!! And you sure aren’t having these labor pains, the woman is. I was so pissed at my ex-husband, “Darth Vadar, I can’t keep my pants up” that I literally screamed at him every time he said, “Now calm down, calm down – it’s ok, it’ll be alright!” He was in Spain making a movie and I had gone with him to have our first child – so thank God, the Spanish nuns didn’t understand English. I said, “Don’ t you ever say that to me again or so help me God, I’ll shoot you!” Actually, I said that and a lot worse. Women will understand these things. That was my mood when I had my first child.
Yes! I can almost guarantee you that Viagra sales would go down if men had child labor pains. For me those pains were like a razorblade going up and down my spine – and the last thing any womans needs is 1) a husband passing out like New York Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passing out during the birth of his first daughter. His wife said, “The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor.” 
So there I lay having the worst pain I’d ever experienced and looking like a blimp on a PMS trip, when I heard my ex husband say, ” Well, she’s just a little out of sorts – we’re having a baby you know!” Well, that’s when I really lost it. I said, ” Will you get the hell out of here – who are you anyway outside of some kind of over sexed devil that caused me to have all this suffering. Just let me hear you say one more time ‘we’re having a baby’ again’ and I’ll shoot you myself. Matter of fact, get that damn doctor in here and I’m going to have him put a hot rod up your ding dong and then maybe you’ll understand what women go through!” Well, after all was said and done – the first time I looked down – on what looked much like a baby squirrel – still, I thought it was just the most beautiful little creature I ever saw – and all that pain was forgotten. In many ways, there is a correlation between what women go through in childbirth and government. We, the people of the United States are suffering because of the greed, mismanagement and arrogance of government – yet they say things like, “We’ll all have to work together and make sacrifices.” Who do you people think you’re talking to? We didn’t create this nightmare – you did! You’ll have the best health care plan that money can buy – and we’ll be lucky if baby aspirin is covered.”
