There are unspoken understandings that women have with each other where certain male habits and remarks are concerned. A good starting point is asking the question: Do Dads make good ’stay at home’ moms?”
For instance, if there is a party and some man says, “ Hey, I love kids so much, I could easily stay at home and do what my wife does. I mean what’s the big deal? At that moment, every woman in the room who is a mother just looks at him and thinks to herself, “ YOU IDIOT! You’d last one day doing my job but I’d sure in hell love to see you taking a crack at what you think is NO BIG DEAL!” Men talk like this because they live in the ‘Land of Duh’ when it comes to the down and dirty business of cleaning the house, doing the laundry, mowing the grass, jockeying the kids back and forth to Girl Scouts, Little League, dance class, karate class, sleep overs, cooking, picking up the laundry, cleaning the dog poo off the front walk way so hubby won’t step in it. No, hubbys live in the ‘Land of Duh’ because if he does have to be a house mom for a day – he’ll either suck the kid into watching football with him , tie the 3 year old’s leg to a chair so he won’t run outside, or let him ride piggyback for 10 minutes – until he’s (DAD) totally wiped out….then tie his leg to the chair!
I went to my doctor for a check up and, although he’s 60 years old, has three children with another in the oven – he made that same remark to me. This is a high profile doctor and one of the best in his field. But at 60 – this guy is telling me that he’d be happy giving up his successful medical practice and just be a “stay at home dad!“. I said, “ Right! Sure you would – but don’t forget the daily laundry and ironing, changing of diapers, housework, driving the older kids back and forth to school, dance class, Little League, the library, taking your daughter to a girlfriends house for a sleep over, grocery shopping, picking up the cleaning and cooking for the family – as now it is the little woman who is the bread winner. Oh, there is one thing hubbies like to do and that is the S word – sit and drink a beer, sit on a state of the art power mower and “mow” the grass…but foremost it’s sitting and watching football. For a man, the S word comes close to being an aphrodisiac. But for mom, who is inside the house, the S word means scrubbing the new hardwood floors that hubby just contracted for without even mentioning to the little woman. You know, one of those deals where his best friends nephew – who just got out of jail, now going regularly to A.A. and trying soooooooooo hard to turn his life around by starting a new business so the Judge will lift the restraining order against him – put there by his wife. Had I known all this, I might have screamed “WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON? ARE YOU AWARE OF THE FACT THAT I’LL HAVE TO CLEAN THESE $^*^%r$(^(&^r%&$@!!! FLOORS ON MY HANDS AND KNEES BECAUSE SPONGE MOPS LEAVE STREAKS!” There’s a couple of S words for you.
If mom is now the breadwinner, she’ll come home from work – grumpy, tired and totally unappreciative of how hard he’s worked. The minute she walks in the door, she’ll start talking ad nauseum about “her” hard day at the office with people you never heard of. At this juncture, the smart stay-at-home spouse just says, “Honey I know you’ve had a hard day at work – so just go relax for a minute and dinner will be served before you know it!” But you know this isn’t going to happen – he’s just picked up the telephone and had pizza delivered. Do Dads make good ’stay at home moms?’ ARE YOU INSANE. NO! NO! NO!
I’m saying all this to drive home the point – while stirring the stew with one hand and holding the new baby, who needs his diaper changed, with the other – and wondering if I forgot to use a deodorant after working up a sweat over a hot stove. Hubby called thirty minutes earlier to inform me that his boss and wife are coming over for din din – “so honey spiff up!” It’s moments like this when I think to myself that there is much to be said for keeping ones virginity and joining a nunnery from the get go. My doctor friend probably has a live in nanny, 2 maids, a cook and his role essentially is just hanging out with the kids. Wealthy people aren’t realistic examples because they have 5 people doing the job that most moms do alone – but I thought his dream like perspective was rather amusing. After a couple of days of living a real stay at home mom’s life, he would probably get so bored, he’d start yearning for one small case of measles that he could treat from home!
Most men rarely offer to help clean up after dinner – they tell the kids to do this if they’re old enough. Rather, they belch and say “Thanks honey – good chow!” and head for the television to turn on the show they like – NOTE: I said they like, i.e. cage fighting, the fights, old re runs of Steven Segal and God help us all during football season! Then when it’s time for bed, men wonder why we say, “Not tonight honey, I have a headache!” No truer saying was ever made than ‘a woman’s work is never done.’ Even when I finally fall asleep, little Suzie comes in and thumps me (not him) on the shoulder and tells mommy she can’t sleep because she just had a dream that a bear ate her. By that time, I’m so tired that I’d probably say yes to Hitler. So little Suzie crawls in bed between us (note: Dad is in such a deep sleep that even his snoring doesn’t awaken him) – her little legs are wrapped around my legs and then she falls asleep. My eyelids once again close – and open rather suddenly 15 minutes later when I feel something wet running down my leg. Oh yes, little Suzie has a bed wetting problem that hasn’t quite gone away. Now I have to get up and also wake up Dad who says to me ,”Jesus Christ! What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know I have to get up in 5 hours…I have to work or have you forgotten?” I quietly hold my tongue and reply, so as not to wake little Suzie, “Nothing is wrong with me you big jerk, but your daughter just peed all over my legs. Now carry this kid back to her bed while I change the sheets.”
And so it goes – Little Suzie goes back to sleep in her own bed, Dad goes downstairs and sleeps on the couch and I’m stuck changing the sheets and taking a shower – all the while, my family is now resting in their beds. It’s now 3 am and in a few hours, I’ll have to get up and start all over again beginning with making school lunches, making breakfast and yelling a ‘Have a Great Day Hun’ to hubby. No sane person would ever ask the question, “Do dads make good ’stay at home’ moms?”
A man’s basic nature is this: Man: Either I can chew gum or I can walk! But I can’t do both at the same time.
Have a great day – and find something to make you smile – something that makes your heart bounce a little. this picture should do the trick. 
Attila the Honey
Hey guys – check out GrizzlyGroundSwellRadio.com where yours truly is the host. Time: 7 – 8 central and 8 – 9 EST. Guest call in is 646 915 9997. We’re fun! We’re topical! I’m a Grizzly conservative in high heels. Join our gang – including Uncle Sam Honey (86) who’ll sing and play his guitar. Also check out Temerity Magazine online. I am a monthly contributor.
