Attila The Honey

OMG! I’ll never take my 1oo year old mother in law for a mammogram again! This was seriously one of the most stressful days of my life because Lucille has better health than anyone in our family and, outside of short term memory loss, is in good shape. She has her hair and nails done every two weeks and is treated like a queen. So what’s the problem? Her doctor suggested that she have a mammogram. OMG!  At that moment, I had to fight feelings of wanting to beat this doctor until he lay in a coma on the floor! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing knowing that Lucille likes to go to the emergency every now and then over a minor fall because she loves to tell her age and then is pampered senseless by all the nurses – so she was thrilled and wanted to go as soon as possible. I’d also like to say that she can eat anything she wants and I doubt seriously if rocks covered with chocolate would hurt her in the least. She has her own teeth, a mouth to strip paint off furniture when provoked – but other than being totally spoiled – she can be very sociable and I’m thinking that she should get a job as a Wal Mart greeter.

THE MAMMOGRAM

We go in and the ordeal begins. After I’d undressed her – she began her litany of ‘what the hell am I doing here’ and ‘take me home now‘ and ‘I’m going to tell my son how you’re beating me and that he should put you in jail’…etc. etc. Then the technician, who witnessed this outburst said, “You have to put your breast here…(meaning between two slabs of metal which press down upon the breast) for the mammogram to begin. ”

There are two things on this earth that Lucille takes pride in: The first are her hooters, which now resemble ping pong paddles, and the second most prized possession are her diamond rings from her first marriage which she refused to remove and continued to wear throughout her second marriage. Go figure. In retrospect, this ordeal was like a volcanic eruption and honestly I still wonder why the hospital didn’t have security escort us out. She threaten the kill the technician, have me put in jail, warned every patient she saw to leave the hospital before they poisoned them, and told the administrative offices that she was going to sue them! As we passed through the lobby, she was yelling at the top of her lungs, “Damnit to hell, they were pulling my tits like taffy! ” I would imagine that everyone on that floor heard her. Afterward she said, “Attila, You’re going to jail for this – and wait until I tell my mother that you’ve tried to kill me!’ I kept quiet, knowing that her mother died about 60 years ago, got her back into the car and said, “ Hey Lucille! You feel like having french fries and a chocolate milk shake?” (Here’s where I say thank God for short term memory loss) She said, ” Oh let’s – I’m dying for french fries.” So we went to Wendys and afterward, she said, “Didn’t we have a great day!” I said – “Yep Lucille – never had one quite like it!”

But I’ll never take my 100 year old mother in law for a mammogram again! Frankly, I’d rather have my own hooters shot out of a cannon than to do so.

Attila Honey,

Host, Attila the Honey Comedy Hour

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What women say and what we really mean are quite different.  Frankly, I don’t think it’s brain surgery but obviously men just don’t know how we think. For instance, if I say, “Honey, we need a new couch“…that’s because I know if I include him, we might get it. But if I say what I really mean which is, “I want a new couch.” You can bet the answer will be no.  Like today, when I went to the drug store and signaled that I was making a left turn, there was a Senior Citizens Bus behind me. The guy driving the bus had an expression on his face that made him look like a cross between Pee Wee Herman and an Ape. He even went so far as to sit on his horn and give me the finger. I finally pulled in and he burned the testosterone out of his body moving on. I took his license number and have every intention of reporting this guy. Why? Because these poor senior citizens wait for hours to be picked up and these buses are never on time. I’d like to knock his ass up into his brains now that I think about it….and it’s still not out of my system.  If I weren’t 100 years old, I’d throw myself in front of his bus, feign suffering and then when he bent down to see if I was alive or dead, I’d give him a left hook he wouldn’t forget in awhile.                                                                              So I walk in the door…seriously needing to vent a little because my hubby, “Lard Arse the GQ gentleman” is very balanced and not at all volatile like me. I wanted to get his spin on things -while at the same time trying to avoid a dissertation on how civil people should behave and then quoting something from Aristotle. So I said, ” Honey, we need to talk.” Now that got his immediate attention. But what I really meant was, “I want to complain.” It’s like if I say to him, “Honey, are you listening to me?” Now I know he isn’t because he’s just walked out of the room! What I’m really saying is, “Too late, you’re dead!” So what women say and what we really mean are quite different.

“Oh Honey you’re so…..manly.” But what I’m really thinking is “you need a shave and you’re sweating a lot.”

“Honey, do you love me?” But what I’m really about to say is that I’m going to ask for something  expensive.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RTR also has a great chat room and videos. Check it out

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Woman, have you got squirrels in your pants? Today, Connie picked me up and brought me her usual bundt cake – then said, “Attila, I’ve just got to get you out of this house! Come on, I’m taking you out to lunch.” So we went to this restaurant that’s known for serving over sized portions. When you walk in, you see farmers with mud on their boots to black suited up pharmaceutical sales people mixed in with ‘just folks.’ I personally don’t like  this place because the fish they cook in the back smells a cross between butane & Limburger cheese.  Anyway, I look around the place and all I see is fat young people, fat middle age people,  fat old people and probably the cats that ate the rats are fat.  Now the point is this: If you are weighing in at 250 lbs. and have a butt that looks like a tub of lard, do you really want to wear shorts and a skimpy halter top? One youngish woman got up from a gargantuan plate of Stromboli meant for 6 (she ate all of it) and waltz off to the restroom. Yes indeedy do, she had shorts on and looked as though she had a family of squirrels in her pants.                                                                                                   This young woman’s butt was so big that she could hardly squeeze through the rest room door. She came back out, wiping her hands on a paper towel (like a sing a long) and sat back down in a booth with some kid with his lip, nose, eyebrow and ears pierced along with their parents – as a chair was too small for her ass. This elephant was no match for her. But my point is that I see overweight young and older women everywhere wearing shorts when they should be wearing clothes that suit whatever body type they have. In this case, even a burka wouldn’t have helped. Connie told me that I was a bitch for saying that but I’m not. I’m saying that no woman in America should look unattractive.  Women should study their features and decide what looks best on them. But they follow fashion trends that aren’t for them and wind up looking like a dog’s dinner.                                                                                                I’ve seen very large women that are absolutely gorgeous and I’ve seen slender women projecting that phony “I’m a model” look and instead look like they just got out of chemo. Just as no two blades of grass are alike – no two men or women are alike. But here’s the kicker: Rarely do you see a handsome man with an unattractive woman on his arm – like, ‘woman, have you got squirrels in your pants?’  That’s the type I mean. But it’s not uncommon to see a little runt of a man with acne with a beautiful woman. Go figure! But I’m sick of the way American women follow fashion – like sheep running into a burning barn. Just be yourself, find your own look and for God’s sake – stop pigging out to the point where you’ll need a forklift to get you out of bed.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RTR also has a great chat room and videos. Check it out

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This morning I had to get up early for a doctor’s appointment – which is never pleasant because I put most doctors and lawyers right down there at the bottom of the food chain (OK not all because I have great docs and I know there are some who really care but this doesn’t include lawyers) Anyway, I have a great 1995 Ford pick up which I love. My husband, Lard Arse, bought me a new VW  which was really sweet but I ask him to sell it and put the money to better use. Why you ask? I’d rather have the Ford pick up a farmer down the road was selling. So he bought it for $900 and then fixed all the repairs needed. Perfect! No radio! Perfect! No air conditioning! Don’t Care – but it’s my baby! I taught myself how to drive when I was 10 years old. My uncle (in between drunks) drew diagrams of the stick shift and all the other stuff you need to do in order to drive.  So every day, I’d go up to the broken down garage in the back that housed an old rusty pick up that was totally out of whack and practice.So, this morning I got to the doctor’s office at 8 am, parked my pick up which wasn’t easy because some idiot had taken two places to park his Lexus. O give me a break! When I came out of the doctor’s office, I got into my truck and  as I was backing out – this guy gets out of his Lexus and just stands there glaring at me like I’m riding an AK47  and am about to blow him up. He just pissed me off so much that I got out of my car and said, “I think you need to chill! I’ve driven classic model Jaguars, Lotus, Austin Healys, tractors and this pick up truck. So, get back in your car and let me get out of here!” I got back into my pick up and made a point of backing up within a centimeter of his beloved Lexus. What is it with men and their Lexus? My husband is so anal about his that it’s almost funny. What makes it worse is that we have a two car garage and he had a string extended from the inside top of the garage and super glued a florescent tennis ball on it. Then in the middle of my windshield, he put a tiny red dot indicating where the ball has to meet the red dot – so I won’t get too close to his Lexus. I’ll never understand men. I’m serious….they are  just too weird when it comes to cars.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RTR also has a great chat room and videos. Check it out

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What would this world be like without men? hummmmmmmmm I say there would be no crime and lots of fat and happy women. So I’m thinking that a real man would be my best friend and he’d never stand me up (like that never happens) he’d reassure me when I feel insecure and comfort me after I’ve had a bad hair day…you see where I’m going with this? There would be no fuss if my butt’s getting a little on the heavy side. That man would say more to love!  He’d also insist that I take a little beauty rest in the afternoon instead of starting dinner.                                                                                                         He would pick me up and never let me down; help me to live without fear and never look back; express my deepest emotions and he’d understand – not in a Stuart Smalley kind of way but more in a Richard Gere Tibet kind of way; he’d make me feel that even without makeup, I’d still be his most beautiful girl in his world. I think women dress for women anyway – with the exception of the Kardashians …so there would be no male testosterone to shoot up liquor stores or kill anyone because we’d be happy in our own skin except – like I said, the Kardashians. So what do you think? A world without men? No crime and lots of fat & happy women!

No wait! sorry…I’m thinking of  1/2 case Klondike Bars.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RTR also has a great chat room and videos. Check it out

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Are Tila Tequilas Jugs really jugs – you know as in when I say to my produce guy – “Is that jug of apple juice fresh?”  I mean I’m really awed by this video because first of all the whole thing is extremely bizarre.  Wouldn’t you call what she does porn? I mean if I had “Jugs” – someone would say ” Well, Attila has gone over to the dark side because she’s performing onstage with her ‘Jugs’ flipping all over the place.” Actually, I don’t think I’d have that problem if you get my drift.  Matter of fact the other day, I was in the park  and I heard a couple of guys say, “Man! check out her jugs!” Well, I had a jug of apple juice in my tote and thought they were talking about me but then I quickly realized that there was a girl skating who looked almost like she had no drawers on – I’m like ‘ is she right in the head or what?’ Then I noticed that her hooters aka jugs were like two giant watermelons covered with two band aids. I mean like come on…

Oh well – I’ll just stick with my jug of apple juce and I really don’t care if Tila Tequila jugs are really jugs because now I know they are and who cares anyway? I wonder if she has them insured? You think? I’m going to turn on an old re run of  ‘I love Lucy.’ What a great show and it was JUG-LESS.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RTR also has a great chat room and videos. Check it out

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This is the new house rule: DINNER’s READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF!

ok – so I took a little snooze while making dinner – well,  line me up against a wall and shoot me. OK!!!!! It’s true a woman’s work is never done and there are times when I really feel like eating grass ( I said eating it not smoking it) rather than going in the kitchen and cooking. It takes a good two hours to prepare a meal for a man who just may or may not like what you’ve burned your breasts over the stove making for him (that is if you have any left!)                                                       

And what is it about men who have to have their meal right on the button lest their thing a mu jig might fall off!  And another thing – how much food can they push in their mouth!  And isn’t it time to try fasting for two months or so?                                                   I could really go for a Klondike bar xxxxxxxxxoooooooo, 3 Honey bunsxxx000 and a coke and feel so loved.
And please, don’t tell me there aren’t women out there who don’t understand how I feel.  Oh, I forgot – I also scrubbed the damn floor, vacuumed, did three loads of laundry, picked up the dry cleaning and three other little ‘Honey d-o ‘ s and was so tired that I just passed out off while writing this blog. I mean if dinner is a little late, is the world going to come to an end? Men have no idea of how hard we work to please their stomachs in general (but not always in particular.)  Another thing – I bathed the dog and washed all the windows and helped a neighbor get her parakeet out of a tree. So sue me! I’m not freaking MARTHA STEWART!!!! So that’s my new mantra, Dinner’s ready when the smoke alarm goes off!

I’m feeling much better now and I do hope you have a good day.

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airs on two great networks

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est (check their schedule page for other times our radio show is airing – almost every day.

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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I HATE MY STOMACH!  OK? I’m like what’s happening? What does it matter that I’m a tad over the hill – o.k. more than a tad but I’m young at heart and therein lies the problem. It’s like my body has become my worst enemy -  So here is how this whole hemorrhage heart attack started last night. I went in to take a bath – threw in a little bath bubbles and bath oil, lit a candle and just wanted to enjoy doing nothing. You’d think candle light would have disguised the horror of what I saw but oh noooooooooooooooo!  I looked down at my 117 lb carcass and there was my stomach looking much like bowling ball – giving me the finger and saying, “Live with it!  I HATE MY STOMACH, I HATE MY STOMACH, I HATE MY STOMACH!                                                                                   When you are thin and  discover (like how was this kept from me?) that you are growing some alien type watermelon in your body – naturally you freak out a little…ok  so I freaked out a lot. Then I bumped my head on the stupid glass shower door trying to get out of the tub. I quickly snuffed out the damn candle and turned on the really bright mirror lights that most women hate at my age. Why? Because those lights tell all.  “My God my face looks like a Texas back road map!” When did this happen? Actually, I don’t mind wrinkles so much because they are more like laugh lines and I’ve earned them all. So, what the hell – it’s not like someone sprayed me with formaldehyde.  But I HATE MY STOMACH!

So my husband knocks on the door and asks what’s wrong and says, “Honey, you always look beautiful to me!” Well, that had the same effect on me  as if I was dying  and him saying, “Honey I would never cheat on you!” Anyway, he has a middle that could use some serious ab control. You know, people think that hooters are what makes a woman’s figure but they aren’t – not that I’ve ever been that endowed. But I still HATE MY STOMACH!I mean you could have hooters the size of raisinets and with a good uplift bra and a full roll of toilet paper stuffed in them, whose to know…see where I’m going with this? But if you have a slender bod and a big stomach – you look like hell. So between my new wrinkles and my living alien within, I think I’ll just paint up like Lady GaGa coocoo brains and give up bathing. Or…hey I just had a great idea. Why don’t I just cut a hole in the middle of all my clothes and use my stomach for ad space or I could start wearing fashionable looking burkas. (you might think I’m wrong but I don’t think soooooooooooo) I HATE MY STOMACH!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Barium plus pasta don’t mix! Get me to a port-o-pot! I’m like what the hell is going on in my nether region. Well, for one thing this picture pretty much describes how I felt yesterday when I had to have a Cat Scan. The night before, I’d eaten ‘to die for spaghetti’ made by my husband, “Lard Arse the Gourmet Cook.” Then I fasted until 5 am when I had to take a huge bottle of barium…then another at 7. Oh, did I mention that I couldn’t find the address of the Imaging place which was a distance from where I live which is in the sticks. Anyway, my appointment was at 8am and I left the house at 6:30. Just as I was leaving, my nether regions went into high with all the pasta I’d eaten the night before mixed with barium – it was a nether region blast out. OMG! I thought, how am I ever going to make it there with all this going on. I’m driving my 1995 Ford pickup and praying to God I pass a McDonald’s along the way – ‘just in case’                                                                                       OMG! barium plus pasta don’t mix! Get me to a port-o-pot quickly! I’m close to my destination but now I can’t find the address. I called and got some 17 year old girl with no compassion whatsoever for my condition. I said, “JUST TELL ME WHERE THE HELL YOU’RE LOCATED!” In this ‘American Idol’ voice she says, ‘Well, you don’t have to yell!” I say, ” Look – either get me to the bathroom fast or I’m going to vomit on your cleavage!” I had so much barium in me that it’s starting wars down below! Well, finally I got there and the first thing this girl wants is for me to fill out a 4 page form.  She was aghast when briskly passed her and kickd open the door to the only bathroom ‘not in use’ which was the men’s room. Relief at last. Then I collected myself, went back and apologized for my rather irrational behavior and filled out the form. They called me in right away for the Cat Scan -whereby the technician made me drink 1/2 gallon of water. I’m thinking like OMG! Will this ever end? She had one of those sing song voices and said, “Do you mind if I shoot you up with iodine?” Well why should I mind? Now I’ve got barium, pasta, 1/2 gallon of water and iodine all waiting for one big blast off. Afterward, I said, ” Where are your facilities?” She said that they were all being used so I said – “Where’s the men’s room?” and off I went! What a day. I made three stops before I arrived home. Word to the wise: Barium plus pasta don’t mix! Get m to a port-o-pot! (this could happen to you too and it’s not a pretty site!)

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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The New York Times Fashion section looks like a Good Will close out sale. I’m like totally bummed out every time I look at New Yorkers (I am one) taking their daily strolls and looking much like a cross between Helen Thomas and a raccoon.For God’s sake, what has happened to everyday women in New York (according to The New York Times.) I think they’ve been influenced too much by this old rag because I could do better shopping at the Dollar Store. I think Joseph Epstein said it best in his great article in The Weekly Spectator .”The Gray Lady is far from the grand dame she once was. For years now she has been going heavy on the rouge, lipstick, and eyeliner, using a push-up bra, and gadding about in stiletto heels. She’s become a bit- of a slut – perhaps more than a bit – of a slut, whoring after youth through pretending to be with-it.” That is why I say that The New York Times fashion section looks like a Good Will close out sale.  What can I say – I look at the New York Times fashion page and out of 10 issues, there may be one classy looking broad in the whole lot. The rest look like a traveling band of gypsies or  women duded up from a  Good Will close out sale.  O give me a break! This moth filled newspaper is way past it’s time. The fashion page makes  all women look like freaks. I’ve studied the Constitution so much that I need a break – and a good shopping spree does that for me – that or a good horseback ride. When the going gets tough – the tough go shopping!

I usually look like I’m riding in a rodeo or super classy – no in between….but hey women – find your own style and run with it.  If you have hips like a battle ship – don’t wear skirts with layered ruffles and polka dots. First thing to do: Dump the New York Times …that is if you are interested in looking sharp. Actually, every woman can be beautiful and elegant in her own way. As for myself, got my boots, got my cowboy hat, got on my under $40 Levis and I’m going for a ride….not thinking anymore that the New York fashion section looks like a Good Will close out!

Attila Honey

The Attila the Honey Comedy Hour airing on two great networks

where: http://www.fgrn.net/Full Gamut Radio Network each Sunday at 9pm est

where: http:/www.righttalkradio.com/at 6 pm est pacific, 8pm central, 9pm est on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Laughter is the best recipe – oh, we have a great sponsor in FrogtownSoundCards.com YaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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